Episode 11: OMG Zombies

posted 30 May 2011, 14:58 by Geoff Gibbs
Danni’s Diary; My misspent knife.
The (mis)adventures of the Talons.

Andy as Danni the Human Rogue
Geoff as Levin the Kobold (who thinks he’s an Elf) Warlord
Tony as Keira the Human Cleric
Robin as Claw the Razorclaw Shifter Ranger

The 16th day of the fifth month in the year of our lord 2011, Mother, if you are reading this:
1.      Put it down this is private
2.      Boy do I never want to see Garlic Mushrooms on the GM’s menu ever again.
3.      Look mum will you just stop reading this, please, pretty please, I’ll tidy up my knives.

When we last left the in(ept)trepid adventurers, the Talons were getting ready to enter Master Chief with a good hearty roughly chopped fungus risotto favoured with flakes of Mr Big Bad. Maybe find the key to the big zappy doors and then maybe find the Storm Crows and maybe Danni’s sister.
       Did you really think the Talon’s could be that successful? Well for those that don’t want to read this tripe they were sort of, well 50% of the mission was completed, half marks, well that’s just average and it has been a long time since the Talons where anything but mediocre. For those that have built up immunity to tripe here is the nights action packed D&D session in all its Technicolor bumbling dice fumbling glory.

       Jumping right back into the action, the Talons had just killed a fungal Seymour from the Little Shop of Horrors, when more yet fungus appear including a suggestively shaped Fungal Blood Horn (can you get ointment for that?), 2 annoying fungal gumps and a fungus priest “OHM OHM all bow down to your new slimemordial god!!!” Well that’s what we think it mumbled.  The newly arrive fungi start to hit the Talons hard, well that is nothing new.

       Levin at this point can count his HP on one finger, commands Klaw to hit the fungus gump that is hitting him, command is a strong word, pleads is closer. Klaw whose afro is starting to flop (see last month’s farce, I mean action packed session for the reason) proceeds to hit the gump, hit him, hit him with your twin strike stick yells Levin, Klaw manages to be put off by Levin’s yelling and does 5 damage, which the fungus regenerates (because as we all know regeneration is what you
need if you want to be a Levin breaker) this combat could be going on for a long time. Levin uses Klaw’s distraction of the fungus to have a quick healing surge.
       A fungal gump and the Fungal Blood Horn thanks to Levin now known as Mr Phallus, (thanks for nothing Levin that is one mental image I never ever wanted but now have burnt into my conscious), attacks Danni and misses. Danni gets her slice and dice on and bloodies the gump.
       Keria heals Levin a bit more, then shoots Mr Phallus with her Lance of Thingymajig and does 25 points of radiant damage, which is then transferred to the smaller gump. Bet he is a fungi at parties.

       At this point, the fungal friends attack back and for once show the Talons how to be mediocre, Keria takes 4 points of damage from the priest, Danni is bloodied and Levin looses all his standard actions for a round.
       Levin and Klaw are picking on the gump with varying degrees of failure, Danni decides to burn a daily power and throws a lot of knives at the gump killing it and Mr Phallus doing a lot of damage, and blinding them for a round. Keria lances the fungus priest that attacked her or yet more radiant damage, she is on fire tonight maybe her God is allergic to fungus or something. It is at this point the Talons discover that fungus have tremor sense so been blinded isn’t much of a hindrance to them; however the GM rolling a natural 1 for Mr Phallus helped Danni greatly especially as she only had 9 HP remaining.  The remaining fungi continue to be mediocre.

       Levin leaving Klaw to continue the prolonged fight with the gump they have been fighting for the last hour of the session, heads off to help out Danni with Mr Phallus after she bloodies him, first he tries tap dancing to confuse the tremor sense, when that fails he tries walking on water whilst shooting the fungus with his daily power that works as he kills it.
       Keria with yet more massive amounts of radiant damage kills the priest, and then to add to the coolness factor heals Klaw for that final flourish, this allows Klaw to finally kill the gump with a combination of daily powers and interrupt attacks.
       With everything fungal dead and bleached, Levin and Keria decide to have a rest, Klaw and Danni loot the room, Klaw examines the fungus and discovers that it is mouldy, Danni finds a rusty chest that rattles, upon opening it she finds a small key, which cunningly fits into the door lock of the door in front of her. Danni opens the door. At this point Levin awakes, yells “DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!” and runs into the room.

       GM [The door opens easily with a gentle tug, unleashing a blast of violent purple light followed by the charnel stench of death. A short corridor leads 10’ into a small rectory. The room contains two tables with chairs, a moth-eaten bearskin rug, two unlit braziers similar to those in the temple above, and 3 small beds with footlockers in an alcove. A small altar sits against the northern wall.
Rotting corpses lay in heaps near the beds and tables. Each dressed in leather armor, now tattered & crusted with dried gore, they all appear to have been half-devoured. One corpse sits before the altar, legs curled beneath it, head bowed as if in prayer. This one is little more than a mummified husk, and its moth-eaten clerical robes bear the dire skull symbol of Orcus. Around its neck hangs a long, deep blue gem on a crude leather thong. The gem glows brightly with a dire purple light that fills you with queasy dread.]

Klaw takes the magic bow that has been left in the middle of the room. And the following happens,
Levin finds. ZOMBIES.

GM [ The rectory is suddenly filled with a low, guttural moaning. To your horror, the corpses, no longer simply inert flesh, climb unsteadily to their feet. The gem around the neck of mummified cleric pulses brightly as the undead horrors lurch to the attack. ]

Levin does his moth impression and heads towards the shiny gem, Levin to the zombie with the gem “You look a bit pale are you alright?” and then promptly fails to nick the gem of him.
OMG ZOMBIES, as we all know traditional D&D zombies are slow, smell, fester, go GRR ARRGH a lot and don’t really like dying again. Thus as the Talons proved this was going to be a slow fight where it took a long time to kill stuff. The highlights go like this:

Klaw fires his new +1 Thunder strike magic bow, and discovers that shooting does more damage than his swords can.
Zombies go GRR ARRGH!
Mr Big bad with the shiny gem shoots everybody except Levin and throws Klaw and Danni out of the room.
Danni realises that not taking a rest between encounters was not a good idea as she has less than 15HP for the entire encounter.
The Talon’s discover that Keria our Cleric DOES NOT HAVE TURN UNDEAD, that is bad.
Willow looks hot. Zombies go GRR ARRGH!
Danni drops to 10HP. Zombie dogs like eating Keria and Levin.
Klaw strikes a heroic pose or two on the zombie he just killed.
Keria does lots of radiant damage. Willow still looks hot.
Danni fails to steal Mr big Bad’s shiny gem, he replies with “Brains, Brains, Brains”
Klaw goes for a 1 and ½ Levin manoeuvre with twist in pike (he shifts, then shoots his bow twice with twin strike).
Zombies go GRR ARRGH!  Evil Willow is even hotter.
Danni deals 33 points of damage to Mr Big Bad (later on we discover that 35 was needed)
Danni drops to 1HP with 1HP of ongoing damage waiting, and then unsurprisingly falls unconscious.
Keria heals everybody.  Danni falls unconscious again.
Levin kills Mr Big bad with his daily power and finds out that he only needed 2 points of damage to kill him, has a grump about misuse of Daily powers. There are no zombies left to go GRR ARRGH!

Tune in next time same bat time, same bat channel it see if our inept gang can maybe this time find the key to the big zappy doors and then
maybe finally find the Storm Crows and Danni’s sister. Do you still think the Talon’s could ever be that successful? Honestly?