Episode 10: Mr GM’s Cubic Fungi Period.

posted 21 Apr 2011, 10:41 by Geoff Gibbs   [ updated 22 Apr 2011, 05:27 ]
Danni’s Diary; My misspent knife.
The (mis)adventures of the Talons.

Starring
  • Andy as Danni the Human Rogue
  • Geoff as Levin the Kobold (who thinks he’s an Elf) Warlord
  • Tony as Keira the Human Cleric
  • Robin as Claw the Razorclaw Shifter Ranger
The 18th day of the forth month in the year of our lord 2011,
Mother, if you are reading this
  1. Put it down this is private
  2. Yes, I know I have a dentist appointment on the 27th.
  3. Please, Please stop reading my diary!!!!!!!!
When we last left the in(ept)trepid adventurers, the Talons were getting ready to open the scary door i(t has skull and crossbones 
drawn in blood on it. It also has some writing on it but more of the group can read) at the end of the Kenco’s party room.

Levin opens the door, well he is the Talons walking trap detector after all, he is also the one wearing the most armour but we haven’t told him that yet. Levin also uses his everlasting chalk to cross out the warming in an attempt to make the door less scary; LEVIN WOZ ERE;) in his best Elven handwriting sort of does the trick. Disappointingly nothing happens. The Talons go down the newly revealed stairs to find a smelly rubble strewn corridor. The decaffeinated Kenco’s really needed a Molly Maid but its too late now to worry about that.

Ever the guilty party Levin apologises for the smell.

The rubble strewn corridor leads onto an even smellier room, Levin apologises again, blaming his everlasting provisions; his poor Elven (cough KOBOLD cough) body can’t take the protein.

Anyway, the room is large, smelly and has a small door on the south wall, a very large set of steel doors on the north wall. These doors are encrusted with runes (runes not ruins, so we don’t need the time
team to tell us that the site might be ritual), that the Talons yet again cannot read, time to go to (k)night school for a GCSE in Draconian me thinks. There appears to be an altar, it’s always an altar, why can’t it be a hat stand or a ping pong table, at the other end of the room, and just in front of our valiant explorers is a large column holding the roof up. Finally there are several large green slimy patches on the floor.

Klaw wonders over to one of the slime patches, and prods it a bit, finds out nothing other than it is the source of the smell not Levin. Levin decides to poke another one, and then the slime gropes him, causing a surprisingly pleasurable shock for Levin. Fight time, the Talons are oozing for a bruising. Levin shoots the groping ooze, allowing Klaw to get in on the action and bloodies it, (can oozes be bloodied or are they desiccated). Klaw kills the ooze, then Keria goes to have a closer look at the column holding the up, guess what there are more oozes waiting for her, after she gets gropes by several of them, she shouts, actually she’s screaming In a Penelope Pit stop style HELP, HELP, HELP I’ve been groped by an ooze!

Danni charges in to help Keria by sloppy slapping the oozes, Levin true to form offers “help” by missing an ooze with a arrow, then shouting at Keria to do something, anything about the ooze groping her. Keria decides that missing the ooze groping her is the best course of action. Klaw frees Keria by killing one of the oozes, Danni another one. Keria tries to shoot the last remaining ooze directly in front of her with her Lance of Faith, guess what she misses, she really needs to get more buzz for her staff. After a few more rounds of faffing about, the oozes have now well and truly been Harpic(ed).

With the ooze’s (oozei (9mm), what is the plural of ooze, clean answers on a postcard please, dealt with the Talons decide to explore the rest of the room, the altar is, well altar like, you know, burning incense holders, nice purple cloth covering the odd blood stain. Then Klaw spots a treasure chest, he makes the mistake of pointing it out to the rest of the group. The next thing Klaw knows is he’s being pushed aside as Levin charges towards the chest. Then 2 squares away from the chest in a glorious matrix bullet time effect things start to go wrong, but that’s just another day at the office for the Talon’s.

Levin at full sprint has just run head long into our GM’s masterful trap. Yes our wondrous leader Levin, our scaly tailed Elven friend has run head first into a GELATINOUS CUBE! The cube happy with a free lunch starts to digest him. Now we all love a gelatinous cube and we know GM’s love the cubes to, but when one is standing (blobbing?) in front of the treasure that we all know is ours, because we found it and the bad guys were stupid enough to leave it there the cube has to die. Getting Levin out will be an added bonus, we think.

Klaw lacking in any ranged weapons, moves next to the cube, and starts to cut little bits off it. The cube lets call it Phil, attacks back with, cue 80’s music, stone washed jeans, a white buttoned up shirt, slightly balding head, a dodgy leather jacket, a Su Su Pseudo pod. Reeling from this unwished 80’s onslaught Klaw is immobilised, fearing what might come next.

Danni delves into her back pack, and after a brief CSI montage of picking up evidence, finding the gun or in Danni’s case a hand held crossbow, goes back to the lab to test fire said crossbow into the jelly to match the arrowhead for the court case. In other words Danni shoots the cube, Levin looks on in horror as he realises Danni is aiming at him, with a mischievous look in her eyes she fires, much damage to the cube and the shot just coming up short, stopping an inch of so in front of Levin.

Levin, breaking out his fake moustache, pink woolly jumper and best Freddie voice, starts singing I want to break free. He doesn’t.

The Cube engulfs Klaw, a green triangular pseudo bod appears muttering MMMMM strawberry. Klaw escapes and then gets engulfed again, he escapes again, this time Keria drags him away, heals him then shoots the cube, Levin looks on in horror, Keria misses, bubbles appear around Levin, its those everlasting provisions again.

Levin still in full Freddie mode, again fails to break free, this time saving the rest of the Talon’s from his singing by falling
unconscious.

Danni and Klaw flank the cube, Keria ready to drag them free if needed. Have our heroes set themselves up for an epic fail. The cube sets his pseudo pods onto them, GM all Phillip Schofield like “Can you beat the cube?”

AD break

“Can you beat the cube?” asks the silver haired fox; “Yes!” reply Danni and Klaw, who both have reaction attacks waiting. The cube is dead, and we can open the treasure Hurrah and heal Levin Boo, sorry Hurrah.

After all that we find, 1200 copper pieces GM joke LOL, gold necklace worth 10GP, 3 x silver stuff worth 5GP each, 5 x silver pearly stuff 15GP, 15 Gem broaches worth 65GP. It at this point the Talon’s decide to take a long rest.

We Rest, rest a bit more, and a little while longer.

Klaw and Levin get bored. They walk over to the big steel doors and start investigating. Klaw discovers the door hums, Levin that the runes are magical. Then before Klaw can stop him, or get out of the way Levin pokes a rune. NNNOOOOOO!!!!!  cries out Klaw, then there is a big bang; Keria and Danni turn around to see a rather flashy flash of lightening, Klaw and Levin flying backwards, landing prone, (taking 22 points of damage each) with little tufts of smoke coming from their hair. Klaw currently (pun intended) looks like a 70’s reject, back combed afro from head to toe, at least he wasn’t in razor claw form otherwise he would be forever known as Poodle boy. Klaw has a little word with Levin at this point; well a large forceful 4 lettered word anyway.

Having let the boys have their fun Danni and Keria open the slightly mouldy door at the other end of the room to discover a slightly mouldy set of stairs leading on to another slightly mouldy door. The Danni carefully pushes the walking trap detector down the stairs (trying not to suffer the effects of a discharge from Levin), disappointingly no trap. The other door is opened, nothing happens. The Talon’s find a medium sized chamber, with a slimly pool of water in the middle, 2 alcoves to either side and guess what an alter at the other end, “UM No” the GM explains “It’s a big plantly thing”, there goes another one of the unwritten universal rules of dungeons. All over the chamber walls is a bioluminescent fungi.

On entering the room Levin gets attacked by a fungal vine with a big mouth, appearing out of the slimy pool “Feed me Seymour, Feed now!” The Talons pile into the room, Klaw entering with the sound of some WAH WAH guitar and slap bass, afro resplendent in the bioluminescent glow. More fungus appears including a Fungal Blood Horn (can you get ointment for that?). There wasn’t mushroom left.

Tune in next time same bat time, same bat channel it see if our inept gang can enter Master Chief with a good hearty risotto. Find the key to the big zappy doors and then maybe find the Storm Crows and Danni’s sister. Do you really think the Talon’s could ever be that successful?