Danni’s Diary; My misspent knife.

posted 23 Mar 2011, 07:11 by Geoff Gibbs   [ updated 23 Mar 2011, 07:21 ]
The (mis)adventures of the Talons.

Episode 9

I have a cunning plan, me Lord.


  • Andy as Danni the Human Rogue
  • Geoff as Levin the Kobold (who thinks he’s an Elf) Warlord
  • Tony as Keira the Human Cleric
  • Robin as Claw the Razorclaw Shifter Ranger

The 21st day of the third month in the year of our lord 2011,
Mother, if you are reading this
  1. Put it down this is private
  2. None of this happened it’s all false, a complete and utter fabrication of the truth, I just went out with a few friends for a quiet drink.
  3. No, none of them fancy me, I think, I hope.
When we last left the in(ept)trepid adventurers they had found a large secret(it is not so secret any more) underground lair, infested with bird like Kenco’s (the strong emu blue lidded jar kind), having decaffeinated them our heroes are left with the choice of which of the 3 doors in front of them to open.

Levin the Talon’s walking trap detector decides to open the middle door. It creeks, we see a long boring corridor, Levin closes the door, it creeks. Next Levin opens the door on the left, it creeks, it is a shorter corridor, Levin closes the door, it creeks. Then in a moment of pure inspiration Levin decides to open the door on the right, it creeks, it is the shortest corridor yet, this time we see a left corner at the end. Levin runs down the corridor, for once disappointingly (well for the rest of the group it was) Levin doesn't set off, the only sure fire method of finding them, any traps. Around the corner is another door.

As the rest of the group follow on behind, Levin opens the door, it creeks, can’t the bad guys get some wax for the hinges next time they terrorise the local village? He see a large room, couple of chairs, a cosy fire, an Ikea table, matching Billy book case and some more Kenco’s this time with a little baby dragon, and his slightly bigger brother Mr Drake. Awkward. The Kenco directly opposite the door yells
“COR COR INTRUDERS COR COR !!!!” (It’s in capitals so it looks like he’s shouting) then rather accurately throws a dagger at Levin. The Talon’s do what they do the mediocre(st) they join in with the fighting and start to bundle into the room, at this point they discover a really bad smell, I’ve got a really bad feeling about this, Chewie put the gun away, there’s something in here, C3PO!!!!!!!!

Anyway back to the action. Keria for once goes first, after a brief prayer, a few ohms, and the odd hallelujah, she waves her staff at the dagger throwing Kenco, FIZZLE, and she forgot to change the batteries. The Kenco that was sitting at the table stands up, puts his wizard shaped hat on and declares he’s casting
“COR COR DEATH FLOCK COR COR”, the group exchanges a few slightly worried glances, well puzzled expressions then the GM rolls a 1, so we will never find out what it does now.
“Flock off” replies Levin, Keria almost ROFLs, Claw kicks around the tumble weed and Danni rings the church bells…………..

In a repeat of last months antics, the little baby dragon takes a liking to Keria, it would have been Tufty but he was absent, lucky him. At this point having heard the yell
“COR COR INTRUDERS COR COR” the Kenco mini me’s join the fight and the Talon’s are outnumbered.

The fight goes badly, first Danni goes down then Keria heals her so she stands up, the Keria goes down and Levin heals her so she stands back up, then Danni goes down and Keria heals her, etc, etc. Meanwhile Claw is making slightly less heavy going of killing stuff. Amongst this madness, Levin gets hit hard by the baby dragon’s bigger brother Mr Drake, Levin then stuns the group to confusion by announcing that he had a teacher called Mr Drake, maybe the baby dragon ate his homework we wonder.

The fight continues to be mediocre but the numbers of dead Kenco’s and mini me’s start to increase.

Somehow during the fight Levin gets forcefully ejected from the room back into the corridor. He closes the door behind him on the way out, it creeks. Then a new set of Levin manoeuvres starts, Open door, it creeks, shoot something, miss the something, close the door, it creeks. After a few rounds of this Levin decides to do something useful. This time he opens the door, over the creaking yells
“DANNI GET OF YOUR ARSE AND HIT SOMETHING, KERIA YOU DO THE SAME!” then closes the door, it creeks. For once the girls decide that Levin is having a good idea and does what he says (insert joke here.) Death to bad guys occurs.

Whilst all this has been going on, Claw has quietly been killing Kenco’s and wounding the Mr Drake, who then wanders off, Once Claw, Danni and Keria have cleared the room, Levin makes a grand entrance, opening the creaky door declaring the fight over. Claw finds Mr Drake in his bed and decides to lock him in his cage; Levin thinking this was a bit cruel leaves him some food from his everlasting provisions. He might look funny for an elf but he has a big heart. They have a quick rest and enjoy their first milestone moment together.

The Talon’s have a bit of an explore and find, an amulet of heath +1, 12 GP, the Kenco’s bog, and 15 SP. Whilst wandering down the very long corridor they found earlier, the Talon’s hear what sounds like a Kenco party going on, who knew that Tubberwaretm (it keeps the coffee fresher) had made it to the D&D world. Levin our great leader hatches a cunning plan in true Blackadder style.

“Right lads the plan is, I’m going to go and open the other door to this room, open it yell some abuse at the bad guys, close the door and run back to this door. Then we’ll give them a minute to follow the corridors around to us and we’ll run into the room and surprise those who stayed behind, deal with them and then finish off the knackered ones who have just run around to the other door.”

The plan Danni heard was as follows
“Blah, blah, blah, run, blah open door, blah, fight, blah, fight some more, blah, blah, blah.”

Dear reader as you can properly tell things didn’t go to Levin’s plan, doors were opened, they creaked, abuse was yelled, fights broke out where they shouldn’t, Levin had a minor strop, Keria knocked everything over in the room, she had fresh batteries in her staff, Danni turned things into a red mist with her daggers, Claw had a fight with the Kenco captain (no it wasn’t Gareth Hunt; Mr Nescafe himself) Levin shot at things and didn’t miss for a change. In short, death to the bad guys ensued despite the lack of plan following  After a looting the room and finding 134 GP, a nice round number that, 10 assorted gems worth 50GP each, and 3 potions of healing, handed to Levin and Keria.

After a short rest hoping to make the mythical second milestone, the Talons get ready to open the door at the end of the room, just to make it a bit scarier it has skull and crossbones drawn in blood on it. It also has some writing on it but more of the group can read it.

Tune in next time, same bat time, same bat channel to see if Grot bags is behind the door. Who’s at the door? Who’s at the door? Who’s at the door? Chants the crowd in the pink windmill.